Sunday, October 11, 2009

Lazy Sunday

Lazy Sunday's are the best!!

This is the first time in a long time that Connor and I have been home with nothing to do. It seems like we are either out of town or busy with something, and the weekends fly right past us before we know it.

Today, however, we got up early, got dressed, and went to church. Haven't done that in awhile. And it felt good. I need to get back. I need to get back so I can be a good example to my son, and be the kind of man Ash would want me to be. Connor is what I have left of her, and I love him more than my own life. I see her in him every day, and I remember the promises we made each other. I want to see her again. I want to be worthy to see her again.

In Elder's Quorum today, the lesson was on our wives and how to honor them. And I listened to the Elders talk about their wives and how we should treat them, and do things for them to make them happy, and how not to take things for granted, and how they were so happy to not be single, and how they wouldn't know what to do without their wives...and...I wanted to scream!!
Not because I was mad, but because I feel the same way they do, and I miss being able to do those things for my wife.

Someday, I would love to get married again. I would love to have someone to share the rest of my life with. Someone who could be like a mom to Connor. Who knows when that day will be? What I do know, is that I want to be ready for it when it comes.

I will always love Ashley...with every fiber of my being I will love her. But love, in God's plan, leaves room for happiness when there has been a loss...and I can't wait to love somebody like that again.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Things I Miss...

I miss having a partner to help me when Connor gets hurt and calls for his "mommy"
I miss the way she would rub my back at church
I miss coming home and smelling good things
I miss being in bed with somebody I love
I miss going to the park and watching Ashley play with Connor...and watching him be in heaven
I miss how she always had my back no matter what...that at the end of the day, whatever trials we were going through, we were always against the world

I miss taking lazy afternoon drives to get a drink or a treat
I miss being able to talk to somebody when I feel sad or down, I also miss having her talk to me when she felt the same way

I miss Christmas time with Ashley...the whole holiday season is truely my favorite time of year...I miss how she was meticulous in wrapping presents, they had to be perfect...and how she would wrap mine...I bet her dad misses that too

I miss how she would always make sure somebody received a hand written "thank-you" note
I miss the way she smelled
I miss the way she laughed
I miss the way she would indulge me in the things that I probably shouldn't do (drink coke and watch "The Sopranos")

I miss Ashely...Even now after a year we still feel her absence in our home. I think we are happy, and I think we are doing pretty well...but I miss having a wife and a mother for Connor. I miss feeling like a "whole" family.

I want to have that again

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Time Flys

I can't believe it's been a year since Ashley was with us. I know she sees us and is "here," but I miss being able to see her and touch her and smell her. She would light up a room, and knew exactly what to say or do to comfort my son. I'm getting used to being a single father, but I do long for a partner to love and grow old with. Connor is a great companion, but...

Anyway, I may have said this before, but when her death was still new, I would think about Ashley and cry because I missed her. I still cry, but now when I think about Ashley I feel remembering your favorite Christmas. When I am in a bad mood, or need to be cheered up, I remember the good times with her and I am instantly feeling better. That's the kind of person she was.

I am reminded of a song about love and losing someone you love:

"Love is lightning, love is ice.
It only strikes the lucky twice,
Once so you will know the price.
and once for crazy faith."

I have faith that I will see her again and that our family will remain so forever. But I also have faith that if God willing I can find a partner who I can love and who will love us as much as Ashley did. When the time is right...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Almost over...

This is the last official weekend of our Summer. I go back to work tomorrow, and Connor goes back to pre-school too. We've done alot these past few months, and is seems like we've really gotten to know each other. The time we've spent together has been great.

Yesterday, we were at the park, and Connor wanted to ride his new bike. I finally bought him a bike last week and he's been on it ever since. Anyway, as he was pulling away from me wearing his little helmet and his new back-pack that Grandma got for him, I realized how awesome it is to be a parent and how much I truely love that little boy.

It's times like that, that I wish Ashley was here. I guess in my heart I know that she is able to see those moments, but I miss having her next to me while they happen. This coming weekend it will be a year since she passed, and although it's a lot easier now, I still miss my sweetheart.

Monday, July 20, 2009

We're still here:)

It's been awhile since I've written anything and so much has happened over the last month that I will try and give you the good stuff...or at least the stuff I can remember...

We've been to Nebraska, South Dakota, and Colorado.

We've been to Bear Lake, Mirror Lake, and Utah Lake.

We've been camping in a cabin, a truck, and our living room (my favorite).

We've been wet, dirty and sunburned...well I've been sunburned...Connor just gets brown like his momma.

We've seen dinosaurs, sharks, and more parks than you can shake a stick at...

We've seen and done lots of things this summer, and each day I am reminded of how much I love being Connor's dad. I love the fact that I was chosen to be his dad. I love the fact that Ashley chose me, for whatever reason, to be his daddy!!

We miss her alot...and I pray that she has seen all the cool things we've done together as a family. Love ya baby!!

Friday, June 12, 2009


I love Fridays!! Great to have a day that welcomes in the weekend. And we finally have some sun today as well...we've had rain almost every day for the last couple of weeks it seems.

I guess because it was raining, I had some time to do things around the house I wouldn't have normally finally taking all my digital pictures out of our camera and moving them to the computer. In doing so, I found a really cool picture of Ashley swinging on a swing with Connor when he was probably two. She looks so beautiful... She looks at peace...

Anyway, this picture opened up an opprotunity for me and my son to talk about some of the things we loved most about mommy. He loved to play with her hair. But truth be told, so did I. He said he remembered her giving him his bottles before bed, and watching cartoons. I remembered going to the gas station to get a treat sometimes when it was late at night...hence the TGIF since I didn't have to get up early on Saturday morning.

As I think back on's the little, non-significant things that I remember. I love her so much...and I miss her so much. My advice to you: Tell the ones you love that you love them!! Today!! Give them hugs and treats, and do non-significant things that you'll remember forever. That is what life is all about!

Love you Ash-

Friday, June 5, 2009


So Connor and I took a little vacation down to Southern Utah as sort of a "boys getaway" this past week. I thought it would be fun to hike all the places I used to when I was his age. He wanted to stay at the hotel and swim in the pool.

We had a lot of fun and saw a lot of places that I had not seen in several years, and Connor got to see all those places for the first, hopefully not the last, time. And even though it was a "boys getaway," I felt myself longing to share with Ashley all the things we saw and did. I always spoke to her about how beautiful So. Utah is and how I should take her to see it. Sadly, that was one of the many things we never got to do before she passed.

One of the things I am learning, is how short life truely is. We had all these grand plans that we wanted to do and complete. Now, my grand plan is to raise my son so that he turns out normal.

But even with all it's unexpected turns, life is still amazing. Every day I look at Connor and see his momma staring back at me...and every day, I try to get closer to the kind of man and father Ashley would want me to be. It's hard, but I love my life right now. I miss her deeply, but I love being my son's dad. I am truely grateful to Ashley for choosing me.

By the way...4 year olds love to wipe their dirty feet all over the clean seats in the car. Next time, we're taking our pick-up. That thing is made for 4 year old feet!