Lazy Sunday

Lazy Sunday's are the best!!

This is the first time in a long time that Connor and I have been home with nothing to do. It seems like we are either out of town or busy with something, and the weekends fly right past us before we know it.

Today, however, we got up early, got dressed, and went to church. Haven't done that in awhile. And it felt good. I need to get back. I need to get back so I can be a good example to my son, and be the kind of man Ash would want me to be. Connor is what I have left of her, and I love him more than my own life. I see her in him every day, and I remember the promises we made each other. I want to see her again. I want to be worthy to see her again.

In Elder's Quorum today, the lesson was on our wives and how to honor them. And I listened to the Elders talk about their wives and how we should treat them, and do things for them to make them happy, and how not to take things for granted, and how they were so happy to not be single, and how they wouldn't know what to do without their wives...and...I wanted to scream!!
Not because I was mad, but because I feel the same way they do, and I miss being able to do those things for my wife.

Someday, I would love to get married again. I would love to have someone to share the rest of my life with. Someone who could be like a mom to Connor. Who knows when that day will be? What I do know, is that I want to be ready for it when it comes.

I will always love Ashley...with every fiber of my being I will love her. But love, in God's plan, leaves room for happiness when there has been a loss...and I can't wait to love somebody like that again.

Things I Miss...

I miss having a partner to help me when Connor gets hurt and calls for his "mommy"
I miss the way she would rub my back at church
I miss coming home and smelling good things
I miss being in bed with somebody I love
I miss going to the park and watching Ashley play with Connor...and watching him be in heaven
I miss how she always had my back no matter what...that at the end of the day, whatever trials we were going through, we were always loyal...us against the world

I miss taking lazy afternoon drives to get a drink or a treat
I miss being able to talk to somebody when I feel sad or down, I also miss having her talk to me when she felt the same way

I miss Christmas time with Ashley...the whole holiday season really...it is truely my favorite time of year...I miss how she was meticulous in wrapping presents, they had to be perfect...and how she would wrap mine...I bet her dad misses that too

I miss how she would always make sure somebody received a hand written "thank-you" note
I miss the way she smelled
I miss the way she laughed
I miss the way she would indulge me in the things that I probably shouldn't do (drink coke and watch "The Sopranos")

I miss Ashely...Even now after a year we still feel her absence in our home. I think we are happy, and I think we are doing pretty well...but I miss having a wife and a mother for Connor. I miss feeling like a "whole" family.

I want to have that again

Time Flys

I can't believe it's been a year since Ashley was with us. I know she sees us and is "here," but I miss being able to see her and touch her and smell her. She would light up a room, and knew exactly what to say or do to comfort my son. I'm getting used to being a single father, but I do long for a partner to love and grow old with. Connor is a great companion, but...

Anyway, I may have said this before, but when her death was still new, I would think about Ashley and cry because I missed her. I still cry, but now when I think about Ashley I feel happy...like remembering your favorite Christmas. When I am in a bad mood, or need to be cheered up, I remember the good times with her and I am instantly feeling better. That's the kind of person she was.

I am reminded of a song about love and losing someone you love:

"Love is lightning, love is ice.
It only strikes the lucky twice,
Once so you will know the price.
and once for crazy faith."

I have faith that I will see her again and that our family will remain so forever. But I also have faith that if God willing I can find a partner who I can love and who will love us as much as Ashley did. When the time is right...

Almost over...

This is the last official weekend of our Summer. I go back to work tomorrow, and Connor goes back to pre-school too. We've done alot these past few months, and is seems like we've really gotten to know each other. The time we've spent together has been great.

Yesterday, we were at the park, and Connor wanted to ride his new bike. I finally bought him a bike last week and he's been on it ever since. Anyway, as he was pulling away from me wearing his little helmet and his new back-pack that Grandma got for him, I realized how awesome it is to be a parent and how much I truely love that little boy.

It's times like that, that I wish Ashley was here. I guess in my heart I know that she is able to see those moments, but I miss having her next to me while they happen. This coming weekend it will be a year since she passed, and although it's a lot easier now, I still miss my sweetheart.

We're still here:)

It's been awhile since I've written anything and so much has happened over the last month that I will try and give you the good stuff...or at least the stuff I can remember...

We've been to Nebraska, South Dakota, and Colorado.

We've been to Bear Lake, Mirror Lake, and Utah Lake.

We've been camping in a cabin, a truck, and our living room (my favorite).

We've been wet, dirty and sunburned...well I've been sunburned...Connor just gets brown like his momma.

We've seen dinosaurs, sharks, and more parks than you can shake a stick at...

We've seen and done lots of things this summer, and each day I am reminded of how much I love being Connor's dad. I love the fact that I was chosen to be his dad. I love the fact that Ashley chose me, for whatever reason, to be his daddy!!

We miss her alot...and I pray that she has seen all the cool things we've done together as a family. Love ya baby!!

TGIF!

I love Fridays!! Great to have a day that welcomes in the weekend. And we finally have some sun today as well...we've had rain almost every day for the last couple of weeks it seems.

I guess because it was raining, I had some time to do things around the house I wouldn't have normally done...like finally taking all my digital pictures out of our camera and moving them to the computer. In doing so, I found a really cool picture of Ashley swinging on a swing with Connor when he was probably two. She looks so beautiful... She looks at peace...

Anyway, this picture opened up an opprotunity for me and my son to talk about some of the things we loved most about mommy. He loved to play with her hair. But truth be told, so did I. He said he remembered her giving him his bottles before bed, and watching cartoons. I remembered going to the gas station to get a treat sometimes when it was late at night...hence the TGIF since I didn't have to get up early on Saturday morning.

As I think back on Ashley...it's the little, non-significant things that I remember. I love her so much...and I miss her so much. My advice to you: Tell the ones you love that you love them!! Today!! Give them hugs and treats, and do non-significant things that you'll remember forever. That is what life is all about!

Love you Ash-

Vacation

So Connor and I took a little vacation down to Southern Utah as sort of a "boys getaway" this past week. I thought it would be fun to hike all the places I used to when I was his age. He wanted to stay at the hotel and swim in the pool.



We had a lot of fun and saw a lot of places that I had not seen in several years, and Connor got to see all those places for the first, hopefully not the last, time. And even though it was a "boys getaway," I felt myself longing to share with Ashley all the things we saw and did. I always spoke to her about how beautiful So. Utah is and how I should take her to see it. Sadly, that was one of the many things we never got to do before she passed.



One of the things I am learning, is how short life truely is. We had all these grand plans that we wanted to do and complete. Now, my grand plan is to raise my son so that he turns out normal.



But even with all it's unexpected turns, life is still amazing. Every day I look at Connor and see his momma staring back at me...and every day, I try to get closer to the kind of man and father Ashley would want me to be. It's hard, but I love my life right now. I miss her deeply, but I love being my son's dad. I am truely grateful to Ashley for choosing me.

By the way...4 year olds love to wipe their dirty feet all over the clean seats in the car. Next time, we're taking our pick-up. That thing is made for 4 year old feet!

Summertime...

So I have the next two and a half months off from work and I am very excited. I have a lot of things planned to do with my boy; several trips, the zoo, movies, picking up hot girls...well, we'll see about that one.

Anyway, the other day my son asked if we could play "mommy's song" while we were in the car. To explain, mommy's song is really "anne's song" by John Denver. Ashley used to sing it to Connor at night if he was having a hard time falling asleep. I have come to really associate that song with her, and it seems every time we play it or hear it I can't help but miss her, deeply.

The funny thing about loosing a someone you love, at least from what I've seen happen in my own life, is that when they first go, you are very sad...it is almost all consuming. Every scent and smell, every song, every picture makes you loose it...makes you long to see them again. As time goes by however, when I think about her I now find myself not sad but extremely happy. What I mean is, it's like when you go on a vacation or someplace you've never been...it's sometimnes sad to leave it and come home, but when you think back on your trip you can't help but smile and fell good.

This is what her death is like for me. I still have days when I cry at the very thought of her, but as the days pass I now find myself thinking about her when I want to feel good or loved. She has now become a source or joy and happiness to my soul. I can't help but smile when I see her picture or remember her touch and voice.

I will always love her. But I also know my life has many more surprises waiting, and I can't wait to see what else is out there for me and my son.

Life is pain, but it is also beautiful!! I am very grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have a piece of Ashely with me every day in the form of my son. Thank you Ash.

mother's day

Wow! This was the first mother's day in 6 years that I did not have my sweetheart with me, and the first in 4 years that connor did not have his momma. I spent time with my mom and spent the day with my son, but I couldn't help but constantly think of Ashley and her not being there. It was a difficult day.

I am grateful though, for what she left me. Every day I see her in my son's eyes or his smile. Everytime he says "I love you dad!" I say a little thank you to Ash for leaving my a piece of her, and for trusting me enough to let me raise him alone.

I miss her deeply, but feel the bond with with my son inceasing every day. He has become my reason to be a good man. I can honestly say that he is the reason I am still here and going forward. He is now my purpose.

Thank you Ashley for giving me this gift!!! I love you very much.

I just spent the weekend with my wife's family and once again I was reminded of how truely important family ties are in this life. When Ashley passed, it was her family and mine that really helped me survive. Even now, on certain days when I'm reminded of my wife, I look to her mother as a means of comfort, knowing that she knows how I feel.

Ashley's death was very unexpected. She was healthy, young, and vibrant and had conquered a serious back injury which she sustained a couple of years ago. She was completely off her pain medications and was ready to try for our second child (she wanted a daughter very badly). The night she died I can honestly say I was in complete shock and disbelief...I couldn't believe that my sweetheart was no longer alive...that she was no longer in this world. Family saved my life that night!

I love my mother, my mother in law, father in law, and all her siblings. They have truely kept me sane. Most of all, I love my son. He is my rock, my rock-star!! He is what keeps me going forward. Everytime I look into his eyes, I see a piece of Ashley. He is my reminder of how beautiful she was.

After this weekend...I reaffirmed my belief of how important life is. But not just life, but loving those in your life. When Ashely died, and I saw how many people were touched by her short life, and I realized that when I die I do not want to be alone. I want many friends and family to be there and remember me as a good man and father. From her death, she has changed the course of my life in many ways. I will love her forever.

I created this as a means of putting my thoughts down somewhere. I'm not much for writing on paper, so this seemed like a natural solution. I also think it may be a way to do some amatuer "psycho-analysis" by allowing me to get my feelings and thoughts out there for the universe to see. I intend to write something at least once a week as I go forward into the Spring and Summer and as I approach the year mark of my wife's death, I hope that this outlet brings me some peace and maybe more importantly some understanding of how I fit into the big picture now that she's gone.