Summertime...

So I have the next two and a half months off from work and I am very excited. I have a lot of things planned to do with my boy; several trips, the zoo, movies, picking up hot girls...well, we'll see about that one.

Anyway, the other day my son asked if we could play "mommy's song" while we were in the car. To explain, mommy's song is really "anne's song" by John Denver. Ashley used to sing it to Connor at night if he was having a hard time falling asleep. I have come to really associate that song with her, and it seems every time we play it or hear it I can't help but miss her, deeply.

The funny thing about loosing a someone you love, at least from what I've seen happen in my own life, is that when they first go, you are very sad...it is almost all consuming. Every scent and smell, every song, every picture makes you loose it...makes you long to see them again. As time goes by however, when I think about her I now find myself not sad but extremely happy. What I mean is, it's like when you go on a vacation or someplace you've never been...it's sometimnes sad to leave it and come home, but when you think back on your trip you can't help but smile and fell good.

This is what her death is like for me. I still have days when I cry at the very thought of her, but as the days pass I now find myself thinking about her when I want to feel good or loved. She has now become a source or joy and happiness to my soul. I can't help but smile when I see her picture or remember her touch and voice.

I will always love her. But I also know my life has many more surprises waiting, and I can't wait to see what else is out there for me and my son.

Life is pain, but it is also beautiful!! I am very grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have a piece of Ashely with me every day in the form of my son. Thank you Ash.

mother's day

Wow! This was the first mother's day in 6 years that I did not have my sweetheart with me, and the first in 4 years that connor did not have his momma. I spent time with my mom and spent the day with my son, but I couldn't help but constantly think of Ashley and her not being there. It was a difficult day.

I am grateful though, for what she left me. Every day I see her in my son's eyes or his smile. Everytime he says "I love you dad!" I say a little thank you to Ash for leaving my a piece of her, and for trusting me enough to let me raise him alone.

I miss her deeply, but feel the bond with with my son inceasing every day. He has become my reason to be a good man. I can honestly say that he is the reason I am still here and going forward. He is now my purpose.

Thank you Ashley for giving me this gift!!! I love you very much.

I just spent the weekend with my wife's family and once again I was reminded of how truely important family ties are in this life. When Ashley passed, it was her family and mine that really helped me survive. Even now, on certain days when I'm reminded of my wife, I look to her mother as a means of comfort, knowing that she knows how I feel.

Ashley's death was very unexpected. She was healthy, young, and vibrant and had conquered a serious back injury which she sustained a couple of years ago. She was completely off her pain medications and was ready to try for our second child (she wanted a daughter very badly). The night she died I can honestly say I was in complete shock and disbelief...I couldn't believe that my sweetheart was no longer alive...that she was no longer in this world. Family saved my life that night!

I love my mother, my mother in law, father in law, and all her siblings. They have truely kept me sane. Most of all, I love my son. He is my rock, my rock-star!! He is what keeps me going forward. Everytime I look into his eyes, I see a piece of Ashley. He is my reminder of how beautiful she was.

After this weekend...I reaffirmed my belief of how important life is. But not just life, but loving those in your life. When Ashely died, and I saw how many people were touched by her short life, and I realized that when I die I do not want to be alone. I want many friends and family to be there and remember me as a good man and father. From her death, she has changed the course of my life in many ways. I will love her forever.

I created this as a means of putting my thoughts down somewhere. I'm not much for writing on paper, so this seemed like a natural solution. I also think it may be a way to do some amatuer "psycho-analysis" by allowing me to get my feelings and thoughts out there for the universe to see. I intend to write something at least once a week as I go forward into the Spring and Summer and as I approach the year mark of my wife's death, I hope that this outlet brings me some peace and maybe more importantly some understanding of how I fit into the big picture now that she's gone.