Summertime...

So I have the next two and a half months off from work and I am very excited. I have a lot of things planned to do with my boy; several trips, the zoo, movies, picking up hot girls...well, we'll see about that one.

Anyway, the other day my son asked if we could play "mommy's song" while we were in the car. To explain, mommy's song is really "anne's song" by John Denver. Ashley used to sing it to Connor at night if he was having a hard time falling asleep. I have come to really associate that song with her, and it seems every time we play it or hear it I can't help but miss her, deeply.

The funny thing about loosing a someone you love, at least from what I've seen happen in my own life, is that when they first go, you are very sad...it is almost all consuming. Every scent and smell, every song, every picture makes you loose it...makes you long to see them again. As time goes by however, when I think about her I now find myself not sad but extremely happy. What I mean is, it's like when you go on a vacation or someplace you've never been...it's sometimnes sad to leave it and come home, but when you think back on your trip you can't help but smile and fell good.

This is what her death is like for me. I still have days when I cry at the very thought of her, but as the days pass I now find myself thinking about her when I want to feel good or loved. She has now become a source or joy and happiness to my soul. I can't help but smile when I see her picture or remember her touch and voice.

I will always love her. But I also know my life has many more surprises waiting, and I can't wait to see what else is out there for me and my son.

Life is pain, but it is also beautiful!! I am very grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have a piece of Ashely with me every day in the form of my son. Thank you Ash.